The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
After revamping the meal plan to expand Terrace Dining Room access and removing multiple on-campus vegetarian options, American University’s dining is under fire for being obscenely difficult to navigate for non-meating students. Here at The Seagle, we compiled a list of nine vegetarian meals on campus to help our herbivorian peers make the most of that mandatory meal plan.
1. Cheese pizza from TDR
Mmm! Who doesn’t love a doughy treat?
Yes, it will probably give you a tummy ache, but if your standard for eating a meal includes feeling good afterwards, then you chose the wrong school, buddy.
2. PB&J from Eagle Express
At a whopping 170 calories, this sandwich is definitely, kind of, a meal. Pair it with a small bag of chips and you’re feasting. At least you'll have some comfort in knowing that, after four years, AU finally decided that naming a convenience store after Hitler's bunker wasn't the best idea.
3. Blueberry bagel from TDR
Toasted or untoasted, butter or cream cheese, this versatile breakfast is a crowd favorite! Wait, what’s that? You want literally any other flavor of bagel other than blueberry? Tough.
4. Unidentified fake meat with peppers and onions from TDR
Is it tofu? Is it a veggie blend? You don’t know. And let’s be honest, you’re not really in a position to ask questions now, are you?
5. Tofu rice bowl from Hissho Sushi
With a bed of rice and a variety of good toppings, this meal is the often impossible-to-find combination of vegetarian and yummy. Fair warning though, there is always a line. And most likely there will be someone you vaguely know in that line, who you either have to uncomfortably ignore or talk to awkwardly while you are surrounded by the best and brightest of the Hill’s future underpaid staff. Yay for sushi though!
6. Chicken caesar salad with the chicken picked off from Eagle Express
You could resent how easy it would be for AU dining to make meals vegetarian if they would stop adding unnecessary meat to dishes that would be perfectly fine on their own. Or you could just be thankful Big Brother Clawed still lets us use Eagle Express meal exchanges.
7. Just fries from True Burger or TDR
Tired of having to decide between the same handful of options that end in you being disappointed? Try Just Fries. Always reliable. Never filling. Sometimes salted.
8. Cheese pizza but for lunch this time
Look, we never said we’d give you nine different meals.
9. TDR waffle
That’s right, we saved the best for last. She’s your shoulder to cry on during the darkest times, the friend everyone deserves and the lover everyone needs. Pair her with some damp melon or have this sweet, sweet lady all by herself.
India Siecke is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis.
