The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Colloquially called RAs, residential assistants are a staple of college campuses everywhere. The Seagle has compiled a list of your most commonly asked questions for these underpaid on-campus warriors.
1. How’d you get the job?
The same way everyone gets most jobs, lying through our teeth about who we fundamentally are as people in an attempt to do anything, anything at all to give ourselves a leg up in this capitalist hellhole we call society.
2. What’s your favorite part of being an RA?
Instead of having to pay D.C. rent prices, we get to play this fun game where we don’t do that.
3. What should I do if I’m having problems with my roommate?
Touch grass.
4. What’s your next floor event going to be?
Thank you for asking! It’s called “Silent Night,” where we’re the primary RA on call and you all go to your rooms and shut the hell up for once.
5. Why are you always writing me up for having weed?
Because not only do you insist on smoking it with the intensity and verve of an Olympic athlete, but you also refuse to share.
6. Do you ever dream of finishing off your lovely, but totally undeserving, colleagues that work in Cassell to leave your dingy freshman floor behind and enter the promised land of having a personal bathroom?
Every damn day.
7. Oh? Tell us more about this murder fantasy.
Well, because we’re dirty little worms we originally thought about doing a Squid Games-esque competition for the Cassell rooms. In an homage to the recent Josh Hutchinson revival, we decided that a Hunger Games situation might be more timely.
8. What’s the best part about having your own room?
We would feel weird saying being able to masturbate whenever we want, but between us pals, it’s definitely the masturbation.
9. Wait, are you writing this down as an intentional interaction?
What? No, never. Unrelated, how have you been finding community on campus this semester?
10. Is the job worth it?
Don’t be ridiculous, of course it isn’t.
India Siecke is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and the Satire Editor for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti.
