The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental
American University administrators recently unveiled a new plan to require Duo two-factor authentication for all sexual intercourse had on campus. No matter how hot-and-heavy any Eagle-on-Eagle activity gets, both parties are now required to confirm their identities on Duo first, and then through their mobile device of choice. Failure to comply will result in a $75 fee.
The eight percent of AU students who qualify as “sexually active” are outraged. Demonstrations as large as fifteen people have been seen throughout campus, featuring signs with slogans like, “Duo-identify my fists!” and “Stop peeping, Clawed!” Surprisingly, the Department of Performing Arts and other theater clubs on campus, a group of students normally lost in cast lists and backstabbing, have become some of the loudest voices opposing the new policy. Siena Maxwell, a DPA sophomore working on a Coldplay jukebox musical about life at AU, was off-puttingly happy to comment.
“Look, when I came to this school, I knew I wasn’t getting a UMich quality education, but we need to draw a line somewhere,” Maxwell said. “If we as student actors can’t have an ill-fated showmance that crosses boundaries and destroys friendships without having to confirm a six-digit code, who are we as a school? Who are we as artists? Who are we as members of the human race? Oh God, I’m tearing up just thinking about how technology seeps its way into every aspect of our lives, even the ones most dear.”
At this point in the interview, Maxwell let a single, stoic tear roll down her cheek.
“I wish I could talk longer, but I have my midterm for Frowning and Other Silly Faces for Singers in thirty, and this tragically flat alto always takes my seat next to the one hot tenor if I’m late,” Maxwell said.
Preceding her dramatic exit from the interview, Maxwell generously provided The Seagle with her four-page resume, headshot and tickets to see her in “Romeo and Juliet” later this month.
She will be playing a sexually liberated Friar Laurence.
Unsurprisingly, other student groups on campus remained completely silent. Student Government contributed one hastily thrown-together Canva graphic on their Instagram story and has been radio-silent since.
Senator Shayna Ogletree explained the governing board’s thought process in detail. “This really doesn’t affect anyone in AUSG, so we’re not prioritizing it. Sexual privacy is important, of course, but also, in a very real way, we couldn’t care less. You guys are going to ruthlessly bully us no matter what we do, so we might as well do nothing.”
Wanting to know more about the motivation behind this invasive new policy, The Seagle sought administrative answers. Originally, the AU administration denied our request for comment. But after threatening to leak their home addresses to especially left-wing members of AU Sunrise, one administrator agreed on the condition of anonymity.
“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this — but print journalism is dead anyway, so who cares? — We made this decision for the same reason we make all our decisions — because we thought it would be funny and also slightly inconvenience the life of AU students,” they said. “Plus, it invents a bogus fee, which is always a win in admin’s book. Do we really expect every horny college kid to confirm their identity in the heat of the moment? No! But pretending we do puts more money in our pockets to build Soviet-style buildings. Alright, I did the interview like you asked, so you better not tell those unshaven hippies where I live — I’d like all four of my SUVs to remain unharmed.”
Despite the initial backlash, the revenue from creating another fee for their students to pay seems too great a draw for AU to roll back the policy now. The Seagle’s best advice in these trying times is to consider this a sign from God that perhaps the “spread eagle” was never meant to be had in a twin bed.
India Siecke is a first-year student in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at the Eagle.
This article was edited by Nora Sullivan, Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing by Isabelle Kravis, Natasha LaChac
