The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Charlotte Butler, a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs, is taking an 18-credit load this semester and told no one. That’s right: no one. Nothing. Not even an offhand comment to her roommate. Not even a slip-up while drunk at Alpha Sig to flex on a mansplaining brother. She’s held her silence on social media too. Her accounts are conspicuously void of any humble-brag TikToks or 2 a.m. first-post-breakdowns over how little sleep her schedule allows. And these are 18 meaty credits, folks — none of those one-credit fencing filler courses.
Ultimately, her mammoth credit load was revealed after one of her suitemates got a look at her monster of a Google Calendar. Her suitemate, Alice Donahue, believes that the substantial period of time during which Butler was able to keep the schedule secret is a testament to her dedication to the cause.
“You should have seen it,” Donahue said. “It was just a sea of ‘JLC’ and ‘GOVT.’ All the heavy hitters were there too — Wednesday blocks, night classes. I think there may have been a weekend class somewhere. I’m a bit of a G-cal snob, so I’ve seen some gnarly calendars in my day. But this, this was something else. Honestly? It kinda turned me on.”
After dodging interview requests for weeks, The Seagle finally cornered Butler on the terrace level of Kerwin Hall. When asked why she kept one of the best brags at American University a secret, she responded, “I just didn’t think anyone cared about the number of classes I’m choosing to take. Like, why would it affect them? Anyway, I did your interview. Can you stop blocking the exit? I have class in ten.”
This confession has taken the faculty of AU by storm, where industry titans were floored by the student’s feat of humility.
The neuroscience department took a particular interest in Butler. “I’ve been hearing rumors about this individual for weeks, but I’m still unsure of her existence,” one professor said. “If she is real, I would love to study her. How she withstands the pressure of thousands of achievement-obsessed peers and emerges without being obnoxious signals to me that there’s something wrong with her brain chemistry. The fact she’s in SPA only makes this more improbable. My colleagues in social psychology feel similarly, and we’re pitching an in-depth case study to find the root of her inexplicable behavior.” The professor wished to remain anonymous.
Hailed as a god among men, the AU student body doesn’t know what to make of Butler. Some shun her, considering her a freak of nature. Others don’t believe she’s real and is instead a plant attempting to change AU culture. Most revere her, wishing all AU students had her quiet resolve. There are talks of her statue being erected outside of the Spring Valley Building, much to her chagrin.
Editor’s Note: The author would like everyone to know that she took 17.5 credits last semester but was very brave about it.
India Siecke is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Nora Sullivan, Alexis Bernstein and Nina Heller. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis, Leta Lattin, Luna Jinks, Natasha LaChac and Sarah Clayton.
