When notorious Communications, Legal Institutions, Economics, and Government major Sam Siegal raised his hand for the third time in GOVT-110, freshman Cora Burke could barely contain her excitement. She sat up straighter and listened intently, mentally rehearsing how she would relay whatever off-topic drivel he was about to disgorge later to her roommate. Maybe it would be something inconsequential about a founding father or a long-winded story that inexplicably brought up his dad’s boat. Maybe she would even get lucky, and he would somehow slip a reference to bitcoin into the discussion about the legitimacy of the Supreme Court.
Before she could run through the complete list of possibilities, tragedy struck; Sam made a creatively engaging comment that was relevant to the required reading without inserting any unwarranted, extraneous commentary.
“I couldn’t believe my ears,” teaching assistant Lauren Meany said. “He didn’t even correct former U.N. Ambassador professor Skelton’s response despite the fact that she’s a certified woman.”
Much to his classmates and professor’s surprise, Siegal quietly took notes for the rest of the lecture. That’s right: he didn’t ask any follow-up questions that had no correlation to the original question, and he abstained from checking Elon Musk’s Twitter account for the entire 23 minutes left in class.
News of this development has taken American University by storm, with many students calling into question all they held dear. Although the notorious CLEG major denied The Seagle’s request for an interview on the grounds that he doesn’t want anything messing with his 2040 presidential campaign, his roommate Phillip Levin was convinced otherwise after an offer of one warm cookie from Subway.
“I don’t really care about what Sam did in his gov class.” Levin said, midway through the aforementioned cookie. “But could someone please tell him to refill the Brita?”
Regardless of whether Sam ever refills that Brita, he did redefine – even if only for one shining minute – the abilities of a male CLEG major.
Editor’s Note: Sam Siegal was recently named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for groundbreaking developments in humanity. He is on the shortlist for a Presidential Medal of Freedom and is rumored to be the frontrunner.
India Siecke is a first-year student in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at the eagle. This article was edited by Nora Sullivan, Alexis Bernstein and Nina Heller. Copy editing by Isabelle Kravis, Sarah Clayton, Natasha LaChac and Leta Lattin.
