The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
The Review Blog for the School of Public Affairs faced major backlash as a new animal inclusivity initiative appointed a dog to manage the publication of articles. Writers for the blog banded together to prevent Earl E., the newly hired poodle, from going on walks until the articles were published.
Out of fears that their blog was not inclusive enough, SPA Blog management decided to appoint a poodle to ensure that all points of view, both animal and human, were represented on the page. Another issue management hoped to nip in the bud involved the timely release of posts. Earl E.’s advocates argued he was more than qualified to run the blog, citing his time in the 40-meter dash dog race as an indicator his articles would be published in a timely manner.
But Earl E.’s tenure has been bumpy. According to one former writer, when Earl E. was asked by any member of the staff about their post being uploaded, he would refuse to comply unless they mentioned how good of a boy he had been. Some staff found this task burdensome.
“Yeah, so I went to talk to Earl E. and I couldn’t get a word out, he just kept barking. I finally said ‘you’re a good boy’ and he slapped his paw on the keyboard and published my post,” said disgruntled blogger Murray Andrews, a sophomore in SPA.
Andrews continued to reveal to Seagle reporters how this problematic poodle single-pawedly held up publishing for a 15 percent treat increase and mandatory belly rubs on a biweekly basis. Management had no choice but to comply. Unfortunately, they were thrown to the dogs as blog contributors became increasingly frustrated with the backlog of posts.
So far, five contributors have quit, citing Earl E.’s disobedience and unwillingness to compromise. One former contributor reached out to the Seagle with a particularly striking firsthand account of working with Earl E.
“I would stand there in his office trying to speak to him, but he would just keep grabbing his leash and smacking me with it until I took him outside. One time I tried to publish my post from his computer, but his K-9 security team removed me from the office.” The former blogger asked to remain anonymous for fear of K-9-related retaliation.
Despite SPA Review Blog staff’s mass walkouts, management refuses to budge. The greater American University community has begun to speak out as well, with readers criticizing recent postings such as “Cutest Poodles of 2022,” “Best New Bones” and “The Doghouse Forum.”
Issues with the slow publishing timeline and the fact that the blog has become exclusively catered to the canine among us have flooded management’s desk. According to SPA administration, Earl E. will be thrown to the dogs in the coming days and replaced by a more favorable feline: only a slightly less concerning choice.
Jared Bowes is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for The Eagle. This article was edited by Nora Sullivan, Alexis Bernstein and Nina Heller. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis, Leta Lattin, Luna Jinks, Nastasha LaChac and Sarah Clayton.
jbowes@theeagleonline.com
