The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
A small but incredibly vocal group of students at American University have been up in arms recently about a series of objectively hilarious decisions made by the AU administration over the 2022-2023 academic year: the satire writers. From charging foolish freshmen for forgetting their One Cards to a plethora of poorly hidden Terrace Dining Room violations, there has been an abundance of material for undergraduate comedians. With the recent influx of questionable policy decisions, satire writers struggle with where to begin.
“Writing satire has always been a walk in the park at AU— I mean, have you seen the student elections? They seem to think Kevin McCarthy was onto something. But, Jesus Christ, admin is just making it ridiculously easy,” satire columnist for The Seagle, Jared Sullivan, said. “I miss the thrill of the chase. It kind of makes you think, do we even need satirical writers if the jokes are so obvious? Do you even need me?”
Unfortunately, The Seagle could not finish the interview as Sullivan burst into tears and kept pitching satirical article titles to his editor. He had to be taken to his overpriced apartment in the Avalon to calm down.
Sullivan’s emotional outburst is not an isolated incident — every comedic publication has been feeling the strain. Popular Instagram accounts, such as Barstool (@stoolamerican) and Chicks (@americanuchicks), have recently modified their posting schedule, uploading one post per minute to address all of the new content. The Rival (@therivalamerican) has had to shift away from their typical content of making fun of Kogod majors to making fun of Kogod majors and also everything else.
In fact, the situation has gotten so dire that many of American’s so-called “literary comedians” came together to release a joint press release calling on AU administrators to act more rationally. A portion reads as follows:
“Look, we know we haven’t always been each other’s biggest fans, but we’re ready to put aside our differences and come together for the greater good. Our piece of advice is plain and simple: ease up. Every now and again something hilariously bad happens, like the 2021 acceptance rate doubling or the freshman dorms reaching 80 degrees in November. That’s all in good fun, but at the rate you’re going, the comedic writers of AU will burn out. Now, no one’s suggesting that you suddenly become competent at your jobs — that would be an unfair ask — but maybe take a few minutes to reflect before you send out one of those school-wide emails you love so much. Some changes can wait.”
Editor's Note: The Seagle is currently looking for satirical writers after all our freshmen shaved their heads and disappeared in the Appalachian Trail to “find themselves.” To apply, simply find the most annoying person you know and ask them for an application.
India Siecke is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Nora Sullivan, Alexis Bernstein and Nina Heller. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis, Leta Lattin, Luna Jinks, Natasha LaChac and Sarah Clayton.
isiecke@theeagleonline.com
