The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
No longer able to blame it on Kerwin Hall’s lighting, excessive wind or just a bad hair day, it’s become clear that your Monday/Thursday class crush is experiencing premature male pattern baldness. That’s right, the luscious hunk is losing his hair.
Despite being born in 2004, akin to the icebergs, School of Public Affairs sophomore Jonah Caruso’s hairline appears to be receding by the minute. So far, he appears to be to be deflecting from the situation by growing a ‘70s pornstache. Eagle-eyed bald spotters in the class have made bets over whether Caruso will become a Hat Man, whose use of beanies and baseball caps artfully hides a bare scalp, or an Acceptor, who flashes his expanding forehead with pride.
Caruso is not alone, all across campus, students are reporting that their favorite Davenport Coffee Lounge baristas, class crushes and hot RAs are showing the early signs of receding hairlines.
Shayna Ogeltree, a sophomore studying philosophy weighed in: “I like to think that I’m young, that I have my whole life ahead of me, but then I see someone my age whose hairline looks like my millennial twink uncle and my worldview shatters. Is this all that awaits us straight women? A dating pool of attractive, yet thin-haired men? Where has my time of youth gone? My days of folly?”
At The Seagle, we have no answer for Shayna, nor do we have an answer for you. In the twilight of our youth, it appears even the hottest class crushes cannot be saved from the grinding march of time.
India Siecke is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and the Satire Editor for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti.
