Satire

Opinion

Satire: New lockout policy leaves students living in the lounges

By Jared Bowes | February 3

Can’t afford to sleep in your own bed? Try a lounge couch today!

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Opinion

Satire: Student Health Center declares a state of emergency as frat flu destroys campus

By Jared Bowes | February 2

The student body fights back against the flu with mass migration to urgent care

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Opinion

Satire: Fairy population of TDR dying due to fewer people ‘believing in what they eat’

By Jasmine Shi | February 1

Decal message fails to persuade mortal diners into trusting quality of food

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Opinion

Satire: Sentient toys left behind in students’ childhood bedrooms conduct exodus to American University in hopes of reuniting with their owners

By Jasmine Shi | January 23

The story of how an abandoned toy sparked a revolution for all

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Opinion

Satire: Hustling without being troubling: trendy ways to pay for college

By Jasmine Shi | January 20

An advice column on strategies to earn money during college

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News

Satire: New University-wide participation policy requires students to deliver impromptu State of the Union speech in front of the entire United States citizenry

By Nora Sullivan | December 15

 'I just don’t see how I can make a State of the Union speech and interrupt a peer in the same class period'

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Opinion

Satire: SPA requires great deal of begging to be re-subscribed to digest

By Jared Bowes | December 13

Begging, bribing and breakdancing: One student’s attempt to be resubscribed

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Opinion

Satire: American University claims it was preparing Jewish students for the professional world by ignoring their most important holidays

By India Siecke | November 30

'From being bureaucratically confusing to ignoring minorities, American does our utmost to mirror the real world as possible'

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Opinion

Satire: AU Provost issues concise email

By Nora Sullivan | August 24

University committed to increasing length and frequency of emails

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Opinion

Satire: Leaked draft of 2022-2023 budget proposes paying adjunct faculty in unshelled peanuts

By Nora Sullivan | June 23

‘The decision to pay our faculty in actual US currency was egregiously wrong from the start’

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Opinion

Satire: The Smirkshire accidentally triples cost of rent due to clerical error

By Nora Sullivan | May 23

“We are experiencing doubts as to whether we are truly sorry at all”

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Opinion

Satire: Building that time forgot discovered on campus

By Owen Boice | April 28

Sports Center Annex never before seen by student eyes

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Opinion

Satire: Nine questions never to ask a graduating senior

By Owen Boice | April 18

‘Are you seeking gainful employment?’

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Opinion

Satire: American University’s perpetual midterm season

By Nora Sullivan | April 13

Efforts to secure one singular, midterm-free moment fail

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Opinion

Satire: Top 5 ways AU students spent spring break

By Ian Thornbrugh | April 12

'I couldn’t wait to get back to campus and not have to worry about mandatory testing'

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Opinion

Satire: Incoming Tenleytown supermarket offers students new chance to sell labor power to capitalist class

By Owen Boice | March 23

Students to have more capitalist exploiters to choose from

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Opinion

Satire: White male student gives University heads up before filing bogus discrimination complaint

By Ian Thornbrugh | March 14

Office of Equity collectively sighs and stares at floor

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