The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
The Department of the Performing Arts has been accused of trying to trap, cajole and otherwise trick male-identifying students at American University into joining their program. While the DPA vehemently denies it, mounting evidence suggests they are using less-than-legal tactics to grow their lower register.
A capella groups have been the hardest hit by these nefarious traps, with members of In a Virginal Way reporting underhanded tactics. One student, junior Kaveh Burton, agreed to speak to The Seagle.
“Look, I like to sing, okay? Three semesters ago, I made the mistake of belting some Bruno Mars in what I thought was an empty practice room, and now I’ve had to change my number three times,” Burton said. “I know it sounds crazy, but I think they’ve been trying to trap us. Me and my boys keep seeing these large cardboard boxes propped up on sticks with cans of ‘man meat’ under them. I’ll admit, they got me the first five times. What can I say? Daddy loves me some man meat.”
Another testimony, this time from freshman Char Butler, who identifies as non-binary, further explores the troubling behavior exhibited by the DPA. “I didn’t think anything of it at first, I just thought they were just being endearingly gender inclusive. But then I started getting top surgery insurance pamphlets in my sheet music and vials of testosterone in the pockets of my costumes,” Butler said. “I think my last straw was when I shared during rehearsal that my pronouns are they/them, and my director said, ‘for now.’”
A surprising group has come out against these testosterone tactics: the men of the DPA. The spokesperson for their four-man union published this statement:
“Here at Guys and Dudes, we condemn to the highest degree the Department’s sick and twisted means to attract more male-identifying performers. How are we supposed to lavish praise for mediocre performances if we have competition? It’s completely antithetical to everything being a man in the arts should be.”
When asked for a comment as to whether these accusations are accurate, a representative for the DPA had this to say:
“We here at the Department cannot believe these baseless allegations. Would we like to put on a standard production of “Newsies?” Yes, more than anything. Literally more than anything on God’s green earth we would like to do that. But our number one priority is always inclusion. We support all genders and races and singers and directors and people and races (again) in this lovely department. The DPA strives to make diverse art that creates peace on earth and harmony among humans and all living things!”
It has to be said that, as the representative was lightly jogging away, they fell into a cartoonishly large glue trap placed in the middle of the Katzen lobby labeled “The Man Cave.”
This article was updated with a satirical cartoon after its publication.
This article was edited by Jelinda Montes and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing by Luna Jinks, Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti.
